I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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