well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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