I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
