Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
