Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
dude. I can hear the air.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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