you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
