hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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