i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
