I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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