If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
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When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
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you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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