It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
