Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
