I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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