Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
