I cannot find my penis.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
