Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
