Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
