My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
