doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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