So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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