In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
