I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
