Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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