Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
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not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
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I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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