i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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