I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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