Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
