it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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