I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
