im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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