I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were destined to go to rehab together
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My ass is underappreciated
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
