I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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