Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Randomize
