My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
