I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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