This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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