you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
