Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
