Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So I just went to clothing optional bar
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
