I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize