How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
