There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I have fence marks all over my body
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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