just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
