oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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