im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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