Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Randomize
