hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
