My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
