Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
