He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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