New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
