and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
