My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
